Fear. The one emotion that can stop you dead in your tracks and have you second guessing everything. All those big, bad words you were talking before have suddenly exited stage left and has left you paralyzed unable to get one simple word out. You know that feeling, your heart rate has suddenly increased, and you’re pretty sure the entire room can hear it beating but you’re trying to hold your cool and not flee the scene.
Last week, I had my first event and with the list of guests that had sent a RSVP I was surprised when fear showed up as a guest. For the most part leading up to the event I had been cool, I had a script set in my head for what topics and key points I would cover when I had to address the room on my own. Before going to set up the venue, I decided to call my best friend and asked for one of her BEST motivational pep talks. Instantly, she cut me off, “Cut the shit, Lex”, lol not quite the speech I was expecting or wanted in that moment. But nonetheless, I guess one that I needed. She called me out and basically said that the script wasn’t going to work because what I failed to realize is that by limiting myself to those key points I wasn’t being transparent. Therefore limiting my light. She’s always telling me about this light within me or person that most of the world misses out on because I always “decide to dim it” in the presence of strangers or those I’m not completely comfortable with. While she’s right, I do keep a pretty select group around me that I’m able to be 100% myself with. I didn’t want to short change myself or this moment by not bringing the wall down. On top of that, I want to eventually become a public speaker who travels the world sharing my testimony and letting everyone know that if I could do it they definitely could too.
Fast forward to the event, I’m now sitting listening to the introduction that would lead to this moment of transparency, and all I could think about is I didn’t know what was about to come out of my mouth. Fear was literally sitting in my lap, I realized right in that moment that I had to be doing something right. I hadn’t experienced this feeling in SO long. Looking back over the past few months I had become pretty numb to life simply, going through the motions and comfortable with my pace. To be honest, nothing had really scared me anymore or brought out this feeling. I realized the feeling that I was experiencing, was the exact same one that appeared right before I met one of my idols, right before filming my first interview for Youtube, and right before changing paths that lead me to all these rewarding experiences that I had grown from. While fear showed up as a surprise guest last week, I was glad to see him after so long.
Hopefully, Fear and I bump into each other a lot this year because at the end of the day it’s all an illusion to distract me from the rewarding moment on the other side.